You going home after doing all things you're not interested in for a whole day. Keep smiling, they said. Positive vibes only, Honey. Freaking scared for their judgement in every inch of your hair. Trying to hard to conquer negativity, doubt, fear, anxiety, and insecurity. Keepin enough mind, at least not to make another self destruction. Then you go home. You love your moments of solitude more than anything. Cooking a bowl of spagetti bolognaise and relpying to your soul religiously "Your happiness matters". Oh Honey, you have nothing to obsessed with. But, still you are a dreamer. You're dream about the Lagerstroemia blossoms in the middle of afternoon from your schoolyard. Suddenly out of knowhere you remember the old day. Talked about God's existence, perpetual motion, and inner child. And before you wake up, the present time already swallow all those moments. Human connection was made of fragile existence and the feeling is gone already. Then, you ate a piece of choux au craquelin. Kissed your daughter, ensuring your life will be enough. Your happiness matters!
a ku mengingat ayah, kulit duku, kayumanis, kacamata tanpa bingkai, es kacang hijau kopi hitam, gebrakan gaplek, tawa terbahak setiap malam, dan kalkulasi aneh di belakang catatan. aku mengingat ayah, aku memikirkan: dunia yang hilang. hukum Engel, buku toefl terbitan pertama, musik country, mobil merah, serta langit sore ilalang menari, sungai kecil membelah jembatan. tanpa tahu mesti lewat mana, aku akan senantiasa mengiringi keniscayaan taklimat ayah, syahdan, semua napas cerita yang memejamkan mata tentang mimpi, tentang batu bernyanyi pada suatu negeri. aku ingin bernyanyi seperti batu, suatu hari nanti pada sebuah negeri tentang kesia-siaan laku manusia, nostalgia atas hal-hal sentimentil, tentang airmata dan penderitaan kehidupan tetapi bukankah kita tidak mesti menderita untuk bisa bernyanyi?
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